I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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