She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My vagina just clenched in fear
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
