having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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