Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
