All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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