the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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