You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
