So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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