Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
