That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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