I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize