Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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