you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize