Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
