Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize