So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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