matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
