Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize