Cold hands, warm shart.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize