Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
