Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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