his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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