I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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