Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
