i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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