So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You are a genius and a whore.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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