What tipped you off? The sombrero?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
