I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
