Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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