ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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