She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
