i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
