its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
