I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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