I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize