I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
