I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The air taste purple.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
