remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
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