omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
