You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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