it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
