I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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