i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
