drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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