How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
