we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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