someone get that fucking seahorse.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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