you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
