You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
