why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
