I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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