I just saw a hot homeless man
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
