the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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