speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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