Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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