I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
