i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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