I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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