i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
